The campus mice, once infamous for their invasion of dorms, apartments, and even the cafeteria, have officially surrendered and issued a heartfelt apology. At a sparsely attended town hall, the remorseful rodents admitted to their crimes, from toe nibbling to Takis-licking, and offered a Dairy Queen ice cream cake as a peace offering. Now reformed, they have pledged to serve as campus custodians—so if you spot one under your bed, don’t worry, it’s just cleaning (definitely not chewing your charger).

The author humorously navigates the rollercoaster of online Christian dating, recounting awkward first messages, disastrous dates, and unexpected self-sabotage. Through encounters on Bumble—ranging from being ghosted to meeting a near-perfect match—she grapples with her own fears and insecurities about love, ultimately realizing that God’s love is constant even when human relationships falter. In the end, she acknowledges that while she still hopes for marriage, her faith sustains her beyond the uncertainties of dating.

Mars’ Hill is hiring for next semester, but only the bravest need apply—because alongside writing and editing skills, applicants must also prove their worth in gladiatorial combat or high-stakes death games. With most of the team graduating, new recruits have the chance to step up, survive thrilling trials, and claim their spot on the staff. Whether battling on a deserted island or engaging in Canadian childhood games with deadly consequences, one thing is certain: Mars’ Hill is ready to welcome (and possibly eliminate) fresh talent.

Do you know how hard it is coming up with funny ideas? Do you have any concept of the hours I spend thinking of ways to make you people laugh? I can only dispense so much silliness. The well of funny was bone-dry the day before this article’s deadline, so I snapped.

Ah, university life. Loaded with never-ending lectures, questionable cafeteria food, and the occasional all-nighter. There is, however, one part of the journey that every student goes through, a canon event, and that’s facing The Gatekeepers.